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i’ve never liked new year’s eve.  in theory, yes.  in practicality, not so much.

when i was a child, i always approached the day with a little fear and trepidation.  as the hours wore down and the night fell dark, the pit in my stomach would grow harder.  i couldn’t ever figure out why.

i tried to distract myself.

but my mind always went to dying.  the world ending.  darkness winning.  and more nights than not, i would be crying at the foot of my parent’s bed.  in fear.

morbid.  and depressing.  i know.  but that’s just the kind of child-like mind i had.  i guess i was that kid.

i’ve grown up.  and as an adult, the nights have mostly passed with friends, games, revelry, food.  fun.  but always a nagging thought in the back of my mind.  a hollow growl in my heart.

the unshakable knowledge that life was slipping away.  and what had i done with it?

time had been spent.  but what had i bought?

these aren’t happy-go-lucky thoughts.  but i never claimed to be an optimist.  and i don’t own rose-colored glasses.

i am, however, a realist.

and the reality is that life is short.  a vapor.  a blink.  a grain of sand.  a firefly flitting across the night sky.  here today.  gone tomorrow.  the end.

but wait.  that’s not the end.

when i was teaching, i had a benjamin franklin quote hanging above our classroom calendar:

“dost thou love life?  then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.”

{you’re not really supposed to use the word “stuff” in writing.  but i guess if your name is benjamin franklin, you get a pass.  it also helps that he threw in the words “dost” and “squander” for good measure.}

the truth is, i love life.  and i don’t want to waste it.

i’m not filled with fear anymore.  my heart doesn’t seize up with questions of the unknown, like it did when i was a child.  and i’m not wrapped in a ball, crying my nights away.

but i am aware.  and the marking of a new year brings the thought to mind.  in a healthy way, i hope.  that this life i love is not forever.

and this stuff i fill it with?  well, it better be worthy.

“God hath given to man a short time here upon earth, and yet upon this short time eternity depends.” ~ jeremy taylor (theologian, 1660)