tararehrig.com

i’ve never liked new year’s eve.  in theory, yes.  in practicality, not so much.

when i was a child, i always approached the day with a little fear and trepidation.  as the hours wore down and the night fell dark, the pit in my stomach would grow harder.  i couldn’t ever figure out why.

i tried to distract myself.

but my mind always went to dying.  the world ending.  darkness winning.  and more nights than not, i would be crying at the foot of my parent’s bed.  in fear.

morbid.  and depressing.  i know.  but that’s just the kind of child-like mind i had.  i guess i was that kid.

i’ve grown up.  and as an adult, the nights have mostly passed with friends, games, revelry, food.  fun.  but always a nagging thought in the back of my mind.  a hollow growl in my heart.

the unshakable knowledge that life was slipping away.  and what had i done with it?

time had been spent.  but what had i bought?

these aren’t happy-go-lucky thoughts.  but i never claimed to be an optimist.  and i don’t own rose-colored glasses.

i am, however, a realist.

and the reality is that life is short.  a vapor.  a blink.  a grain of sand.  a firefly flitting across the night sky.  here today.  gone tomorrow.  the end.

but wait.  that’s not the end.

when i was teaching, i had a benjamin franklin quote hanging above our classroom calendar:

“dost thou love life?  then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.”

{you’re not really supposed to use the word “stuff” in writing.  but i guess if your name is benjamin franklin, you get a pass.  it also helps that he threw in the words “dost” and “squander” for good measure.}

the truth is, i love life.  and i don’t want to waste it.

i’m not filled with fear anymore.  my heart doesn’t seize up with questions of the unknown, like it did when i was a child.  and i’m not wrapped in a ball, crying my nights away.

but i am aware.  and the marking of a new year brings the thought to mind.  in a healthy way, i hope.  that this life i love is not forever.

and this stuff i fill it with?  well, it better be worthy.

“God hath given to man a short time here upon earth, and yet upon this short time eternity depends.” ~ jeremy taylor (theologian, 1660)

i just discovered that the pioneer woman has stolen my pie crust recipe.  ok… maybe stolen is a bit of an exaggeration.  she claims she got it from an old family friend “sylvia”.  and mine is from my great grandma, bessie jones.  perhaps sylvia and bessie were the best of friends back in the day.  either way, i feel slightly cheated.  i was hoping to have something better than pw.  sigh.

.

.

i’m in the downward spiral of marathon training.  my race is on sunday, so i’m tapering. meaning, i run very few miles so my legs have time to rest.  i’ve never liked tapering so much.  honestly, at this point, if i never see another treadmill for the rest of my life, it will be too soon.

.

but then i know, as soon as that shiny medal is around my neck, i’ll be singing a different tune.  i just hope this year’s medal is lighter than the last.  i could barely stand to wear that one.  and it kept weighing me down while i was teaching the next day.

.

i could literally smell thanksgiving in the air this morning.  a cool breeze.  a nice nip.  fallen leaves.  my  neighbor’s deep fried turkey.  and the remnants of the apple pie i ate for breakfast, lingering on my upper lip.

.

today, my students were told they could write me a note on the bottom of their english tests, if they wanted.  one of them gave me his phone number.  when i told him i don’t call guys, he asked me for mine.  i laughed.  another asked me how old i was and when i answered, he replied, “oh, that’s old.” i sent him straight to the principal’s office.

.

i’ve forgotten what my brother levi looks like.  it’s been so long since i’ve seen him.  i blame that completely on him.  i mean, i have a life.

.

.

i stuck my toes in the water.  it was a test.  would i like what i felt when i jumped in?  would it be too cold.  too hot.  just right.

.

i’d been invited to join.  i’d been told the more water, the better the life.

.

i stood in the middle of the pool as the water slowly rose around me.  first to my ankles.  my calves.  my thighs.  my waste.  like boiling a frog or eating an elephant, it happened gradually.  slowly.  without me even realizing it.

.

around the walls of my pool, i saw faucets.  hundreds of them.  some turned to on.  flowing freely.  some dripping.  dribbling.  gurgling.  gushing.

.

as the water filled the space, i wondered about the faucets turned to off.  i walked to one.  twisted the knob.  allowed more liquid to pour in.

.

i remembered someone once telling me to allow more in.  to not say no.

.

unaware of how deep it was beginning to become, i asked for more.  more water.  i wanted space to swim.  float.  paddle.  i wanted to be challenged to stay above the surface.

.

i thought about how fun this would be to share with my friends.  to build relationships in this water.  to experience this with others.

.

as the water rose to my waste.  my chest.  i used my hands and arms.  kicked my legs.  stayed above the surface.  felt the buoyancy of my body as it glided through the fluid.

.

floating on my back, i noticed people standing around the edge of my pool.  reaching down.  turning on faucets.  providing more water.

.

i tried to invite them into the pool with me.  to enjoy the water.  but they rejected my offer.  and continued to turn on faucets.

.

to the side of me, i saw other people.  in their own world.  in their own pools.  i waved to one man as he glided by.  he looked happy.  energized.  fulfilled.  he waved back.  his water was only to his chest.

.

as the water continued to rush in on me, i realized i could no longer touch my feet to the bottom of the surface.  i moved my arms back and forth, providing the movement i needed to stay afloat.  the effort made me start to grow weary.  swimming takes a lot of energy.  and i estimated it had been hours since i’d first stepped into this pool.  since i’d first felt the thrill of the swim.  the excitement of the new adventure.  the joy of life.

.

my arms were started to hurt.  my legs were starting to cramp.  my head was starting to pound.  but the water kept coming.

.

i pushed myself to the edge.  reached for the handle of the nearest water faucet.  perhaps if i turned off the flow, the water would recede and i could get some relief.  some rest.

.

i twisted the handle.  but nothing happened.  the water kept coming.

.

a shadow of a man fell across me and i looked above.  he shook his head no, indicating that faucet could not be turned off.

.

i reached for the next.  but got the same result.

.

i searched around me to see if any in the pools next to mine were struggling as well.  needing a rest like i was.

.

the woman to my right.  she was gasping for air.  clutching to the side of the pool.  desperate for respite.

.

i called to her.  asked if she were going to be ok.  if there was anything i could do to help her.

.

“oh no.  i’m ok.  doing good here.  no need to for help.  i have it all under control.”  she breathlessly hollered back.

.

just then a man walked by her pool.  i could barely make out his voice over the rushing of water.  but i think i heard him say, “i’m going to turn on another water faucet.  if you don’t mind.  do you think you can handle it?”

.

i was shocked to hear her tired but affirmative reply, “i’ve got it all under control.  i’m strong.  no help needed here.”

.

i heard whispers of others.  in neighboring pools.  giving the same reply.  ”no need for help.  i’m all good.”

.

back in my own pool, i began to wonder what my struggle was.  if that woman could do it.  if others could do it.  what was my problem?  i decided to follow their cue.

.

my body was failing me.  my own strength was waning.  but i was determined not to give up.  not to let the water take me under.

.

at one point i imagined it would have been nice to have a friend in my pool with me.  to offer support.  provide encouragement.  but the water had kept my area full.  no room for friends yet.

.

from the corner pool, a man waved and smiled a greeting my way.  i raised my hand in response before quickly lowering it back to keep my face from subsiding.

.

“how’s it going?  life treating you ok?”  he asked.

.

following the cue of those around me, i answered, “oh it’s great.  life’s good.  i’m good.  things are good.  full.  but good.  can’t complain.  shouldn’t complain.  you?”

.

“same here.  full.  very full.  lots of water.  but what’s life without water, right?  good.  good.  oh, more water coming in.  gotta go.”  he rushed to reply.

.

can’t complain.  shouldn’t complain.  i thought to myself.  this is hard.  too much water.  but it looks like this is life.

.

just as these thoughts were leaving my head, i noticed another one of my water faucets began pouring more liquid into my pool.

.

i was struggling.  i was fighting.  if i let myself go for even one minute, i knew i’d be gone.  i thought about calling out for help.  but i didn’t want to look weak.  besides what could they do?  they all  had their own water to worry about.

.

even with that thought, i realized how long i’d been caught in this water now.  if i called out, would they even know who i was.  or be willing to leave their water to help me with mine.  it’s not like i’d be able to do that for others.  what with barely keeping my own head above the surface and all.

.

if it’d taken the time to actually invite others into my pool.  perhaps this wouldn’t be so hard.  but i’d been so caught up with my water.

.

i thought back to my first step into the pool.  into the water.  into the wonder and excitement of this life.  and i was sad.

.

as i struggled to keep my eyes and ears and nose out of the suffocating water, i lost my balance.  my energy failed.  i went under.

.

and i thought.  this isn’t how it was supposed to be.

to whom it may concern.  and there very well may be none of you.  that feel concerned, that is.

.

allow me to introduce myself to you.

.

my name is tara.  i come from the rehrig family.  i am a daughter.  and a sister.  a friend.  i am a teacher.  and a runner.  and an avid reader of fiction.  and trashy celebrity magazines.

.

i am witty.  and cynical.  and observant.

.

sometimes i like to cook.  and bake.  most of the time, i just like to eat.  unless it’s something i’ve cooked.  or baked.  then it’s no longer good to me.  i can’t explain it.

.

i like to take pictures.  and make memories.  and laugh at the world.

.

i used to write a blog on this site.  you may remember me.  and my exploits.  like the time i lost all my eye lashes.  and the time i got hit on at the bass pro shop.  after my eye lashes grew back, of course.

.

you also may remember how i would sometimes write sweet and endearing posts about people i love.  like:  steve.  and ethan.  and levi.  and ethan.  and noah.  and ethan again.  what can i say?  ethan is a funny guy.

.

oh yes.  it was quite the popular blog.  back in the day.

.

not quite like the pioneer woman.  but still.  on a side note:  how did she become so amazing?  i want a movie made of my life.  played by reese witherspoon.  i want to take amazing photographs.  and have a cow live on my front porch.  i want to be on the today show, and the view, and fox news.  and stay in all those cool hotel rooms.  and…  who am i kidding?  i really just want my very own marlboro man.  only not a “marlboro” man.  maybe a “some other strong and handsome manly man reference that i can’t think of right now” man.

.

anyway, back on track.  where was i?

.

oh yeah.  i was talking about me being all popular and stuff.  back in the day.

.

back before i went and let my schedule rule my life.  back before i decided to write lesson plans.  and give tests.  and actually grade the tests.  and take up notebooks.

.

and draft my student to be on the look-out for potential boyfriends for me.  (just kidding.  i don’t ask them to do this.  they do it without me asking.  they do it when i ask them not to…)

.

and run 40 miles in four days.  geesh.

.

back when i had a life.

.

well, dear public.  you, who are concerned.

.

i am here to offer you my deepest condolences.  my most heart felt apologies.  i regret taking away your joy.  the joy of reading this blog.  and i promise to never leaving you hanging so long again.

.

unless i get crazy again.  or let me say… remain as crazy as i already am.

.

rest assured, i shall live to write another day.

.

but probably not tomorrow.  my day’s already full.  and sunday, i’m pretty busy too.  and then school starts again on monday.  oh and tuesday’s out of the question because it’s parent teacher conference day.  then comes wednesday and well i’ve got church.  thursday won’t work because…..

.

well.  we’ll see.

.

i remain, your most loyal friend (unless it’s not convenient for me),

t.rehrig.  or just t.  for short.

the truth is, i don’t think i’m very good at making new friends.

.

i know you are wondering how that could possibly be true when i’m so obviously such a cool person to hang out with.  i ooze confidence and likability.  i’m outgoing and bold.  what’s standing in my way?

.

ha.  i see you have believed the facade i’ve been weaving here.

.

let me explain.  i’m horrible, i think, at making small talk.  i can get all the one liners out.  tell a girl they look cute.  ask them about their hair.  their family.  their friends.  make jokes and talk shop with the guys.  maybe do a little flirting… or not.

.

and then i can’t think of anything else to say.  i can’t move the conversation away from the shallow quips about fashion and folly.

.

i get dumbstruck.

.

and i say something really, really stupid.  or i start rambling.  kind of like i am doing here.

.

then i just walk away.  awkwardly.  and that’s that.

.

it’s sad.

.

my sister, holly, on the other hand.  is instantly best friends with everyone she’s ever met.  she has the coveted talent of making people feel at ease at once.  and have the desire to share their deepest longings, hardest struggles, and greatest joys.  with her.  their new best friend.

.

and she remembers them too.  so when they reconnect after months of separation, she is able to ask them exactly how the situation with their mother’s aunt’s cousin’s grandfather’s daughter’s baby’s ingrown toe nail is transpiring.  she’s become that in tune with her new friend’s life.

.

i’m envious.

.

the problem is, i try to be too funny.  and subsequently, i’m not a very good listener.

.

i blame it on the fact that i don’t know whether i have youngest child or middle child syndrome.  this whole “have a new sibling eleven years after the fact” situation has really messed with my psyche.

.

the first step is admitting i have a problem.  right?  and if i’ve learned anything, it’s that perfection is intimidating.  therefore, i share my flaws and faults alike.  puts us all at ease.

.

that’s what i tell myself anyway.

.

recently, i’ve made the decision to attempt to become more involved in my church.  i’ve been attending for about eight or nine months now.  and the reasons i’m not completely and thoroughly involved currently are for a whole other blog post.  at a time when we can delve into the ramifications of attending church as a single female.  it may not be a pretty blog.

.

however, i’m jumping the hurdles of society and have resolved to attend a small group function tomorrow night.

.

pray for me.  i’m nervous.

.

i want to be myself.  but not too much myself.

.

that might be scary.  for us all.

i canceled my cable last week.  i figure it will save me just enough money to support my starbucks habit.  maybe even let me add a payless shoes habit.

.

in reality, it will help me get out of the hole i slipped into during my summer of entertaining.  and by “summer of entertaining” i’m referring to one birthday party, one girl’s night out, and a certain sister’s wedding.  three events and my financial future’s sunk.  one day i’ll be telling my kids, “i wish i could send you to college, but when i was in my early thirties i wasn’t being prudent and made four angel food cakes and bought three black dresses.”

.

so, in this season of economic hardship.  and because i’m trying to plan for the future.  i made the decision to forgo the cable.  it didn’t come with the man, so i didn’t see the point.  get it?  cable?  man?  cable man?  never mind…

.

besides, who watches real time t.v. anymore anyway?  everything i want to see can be accessed from my computer via the internets.  thank you, al gore.  who invented hulu?  i’d like to thank you, too.  you’ve revolutionized my life.

.

now, instead of watching rachel ray cook her meal in 30 minutes, i can watch teens attending fat camp on the abc hit: huge.  and who needs the next food network when i can see HGTV’s design star.  they’re really the same show.  fabric.  food.  same dif.

.

the only thing i really miss is fox and friends.  i enjoyed the morning banter over fair and balanced news while i sipped my morning coffee and applied my mascara.  but i suppose i can always read their news.  except i probably won’t.  just being honest.  if you are one of the lucky few who still get to watch gretchen wilson battle it out with our white house press secretary, will you text me short and timely updates.  please and thank you.

.

i also miss being out of the weather loop.  since my cable is off and my t.v. is old, it’s not high def compatable.  and since we all know i tend to “put off” what should be done to another day.  hence the library fines.  (note:  i’m finding i am able to easily reference my library fines in at least one post a week.  i feel this is a tribute to my writing style.  or something.) i do not have one of those box thingies to make my t.v. work.

.

my dependence on gary england and mike morgan was never more apparent then last night when our neighborhood tornado siren went off.  of course, upon hearing it, i walked outside.  what else was i supposed to do?  i didn’t have a working t.v. to consult.  it didn’t stay ringing for very long.  just long enough to make me realize i needed my weathermen.  and their appearance on the internets did me no good.

.

but aside from news and weather, there’s nothing i’ve missed.  and i’ve still got plenty to waste my time.  i mean, i am still on facebook.  and that’s free.

i’m on a diet.

.

and i’m not even going to fool myself, saying things like “it’s a lifestyle change.”  or “i just want to be healthy.”  nope.  it’s a full out attack on fat.  ’cause i wanna be skinny.  end of story.

.

plus, there’s a wedding in my future.  no, not mine.  poo.  and i don’t want to be a blemish in the pictures.  and i expect to be in lots of pictures.

.

but tell me, do you ever experience this?  just as soon as you say you are dieting, you immediately feel hungry.  not just hungry.  no.  starving.  like you’ve been living off dandelions and sunflower seeds for weeks and the first piece of meat that walks by doesn’t stand a chance at life.

.

yeah, weird.

.

it’s not like i don’t eat pretty much just as much as i did before.  i mean, i’m still drinking my morning coffee.  i haven’t even cut out the half and half and sugar.  there are some things a girl should not be asked to compromise on.  i’m still human, after all.

.

however, since i know i’m on a diet, a mere ten minutes after my hearty breakfast of malt-o-meal (it’s high in iron), my stomach starts growling like a baby velociraptor.

.

and i try the whole drink more water thing.  it doesn’t help.  now the velociraptor is taking a swim.  and still growling.

.

he’s not a happy raptor.

.

granted, i understand it may take some time for my body to adjust from it’s usual daily fare of taco bueno’s crunch wrap supremes and starbuck’s caramel macchiatos to a more subdued spinach salad and grilled chicken.

my stomach doesn’t like it that i’ve swapped sonic hamburgers for baked tilapia and french fries for yellow squash.

it’ll learn.

.

i just wish it would hurry it up with the process.  being hungry makes me cranky.

.

i think i’ll go suck on an ice cube.

let’s face it.  summer vacation is the bomb.  does anyone say “the bomb” anymore?  if not, i’m bringing it back.  like apple jacks.

.

i’m also bringing back the word “dude”.  that one should never have gone away.

.

you have to admit, one of the major perks of teacherdom is summer vacations.  that and the whole raising up the next generation thing.  either ones good, i guess.

.

i’m currently in full summer mode.  and loving it.  it took me a little longer to get here because, since school ended, i’ve been a little busy.  you know, traveling across continents.  sleeping in hammocks.  hiking the jungle trails.  the usual.

.

but now that i’m home, it’s 100% summer.

.

so much so, in fact, that it’s probably a good thing that my room mate is away at the moment.  because i’ve pretty much just let things rest where they fall.  i may not be living in a clutter free house.  but i am living in a summer vacation house!

.

i’ve been spending my time going running, hanging out with friends, window shopping (because brasil – and car repairs – sucked up all my money this month), playing on my computer, watching food network, going tanning, and reading books – i’ve read two in the last three days (please do not think highly of me for reading – these are purely entertaining reads, not educational in the least).

.

i currently have a sunburn on my backside from the tanning bed and sunburn on my frontside from my friend’s pool.  i’m trying to get rid of my runner’s tan line.  it’s been scaring little children.

.

you probably can’t tell i have a sunburn in the picture.

i really just wanted to show you my legs.

.

if a sunburn doesn’t say summer, i don’t know what does.

.

well, that and strawberry chicken salads and iced chai tea lattes.  yum.

.

people make such funny faces when we eat.  but that’s alright.

just keeping it real.  dude.

.

so, here’s it is:  three words for what i’ve been up to this summer, aka: the last five days – burns, books, and buddies, baby!

.

and now it’s your turn.  tell me, in three words, what your summer world looks like.  it doesn’t have to be an amazing alliteration like mine.  just anything.

.

come on, it’s fun to play along.

.

happy summering!

~ tara ‘the, not da, bomb’ rehrig

i have to admit, i dream about you all week.  longing for you to finally come.  it’s not that i don’t like the other days of the week; it’s just human nature to look forward to something.  especially a break.

.

our boss told us this week that we shouldn’t be counting down the days until school is out.  we shouldn’t say, “yay, only eight more days!”  instead, we should say, “oh no, only eight more days.”  i guess that’s a good way to look at it.  but i’m not gonna lie, i’m counting down the days until school is out.  again, human nature to look forward to a break.  a chance to rest.

.

you’ve been pretty good today, friday.  though somewhat dreary.  you rained on us all day.  and i hear saturday and sunday will be raining as well.  because of that, we had to have indoor recess.  things always get a little hairy when we have indoor recess.  sixth grade boys need to run off their energy or they start throwing pencils up in the air or singing songs through their noses during literature time.  they do this already, but without recess it’s becomes more pronounced.

.

today, we studied verbals in english class.  of course, all the students started calling them “gerbals”.  and when we added gerunds to their notes, half a dozen kids started saying the “he went to jared’s” slogan, only substituting gerund for jared.  clever ones, those kiddos are.

.

friday, i can’t say that you are my favorite day of the week.  you’re not as great as saturday.  saturday hardly ever makes me do anything.  unless i want.  it’s very accommodating to me.  but you’re far greater than monday.

.

monday’s a little bit rude, a little abrasive.  always jarring me out of relaxation mode and forcing me to do something productive.  anything.  everything.  but friday, you’re ok.

.

i was thinking today that i need to go shopping.  i’ve suddenly run out of all my toiletries simultaneously.  it always happens this way.  so, before i start washing my face with dish soap (which probably isn’t very good for staving off wrinkles), i better make my trip to wally.  i think it would be nice to do it with you.  but then i remember all the other shoppers that like to shop with you, friday.  and think i better put it off to join saturday.

.

when i was hugging my girls goodbye after school today, i was instructed by them to, “get a boyfriend this weekend.”  i told them i’d do my best.  oh friday, if it were only that easy.

.

well, i guess i’ll let you go.  i’m sure you’re pretty busy.  you know, keeping people entertained as the week comes to a close.  even though you aren’t even over yet, i know i’m gonna start missing you soon and wishing to see you again.

.

that’s how i know our relationship is special.  i miss you before you’re even gone.

.

love, tara

i’ve faced my fair share of conflict in my life.  you can’t be the second oldest of six kids, only sixteen month younger than your older sister, or have red hair and not face conflict.

.

but this post isn’t about my siblings.  or my hair.

.

this post is about facing conflict as an adult.  and not really about the conflict.  i don’t want to talk about that.  what i want to talk about is how i’m learning to handle it.

.

i’ve been involved in a certain situation recently.  not entirely unlike other situations i’ve faced in my past.  not entirely like other situations i’m certain to face in my future.  it’s a situation of uncomfortable circumstances.  where i feel like i’ve been strung through the wringer, squeezed out and left to dry.  not pretty.

.

as is so easy to do, i’ve been tempted to pull the pity party.  woe is me and my big toe.

.

why is this happening to me?  what did i do wrong?  how do i deserve this?  why?  why?  why?

.

it’s an easy question to ask.  we’ve been asking it since utterances first left our little tongues.

.

it’s also easy to ask: how do i change?  what’s the lesson behind this?  who do i become because of this?

.

however, this is what i’m starting to realize.

.

this grievance, this conflict, this problem.  it may not even be about me.

.

wait. what?  how can that be?  not about me?  shut your mouth!

.

but yeah, it’s true.  whatever grievances i’m facing.  whatever heartache i’m dealt.  whatever inconveniences i face.  may have nothing in this big round earth to do with me.

.

but maybe, just maybe, this “thing” i’m going through may be someone else’s lesson.

.

perhaps i’m just the example.

.

think about that for a while.  put’s a little perspective on things now, doesn’t it?