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i just can’t seem to get the thought out of my head.  could what they said be true?

i’ve been laying here in my bed for hours.  trying to be still.  not disturb my sisters.  or my parents.  trying to fall asleep.  think of something else.  clear my head.  have things go back to normal.

i haven’t been very successful.

the sun is about to come up.  the day is about to start.  i know i have long hours of field work ahead of me.  of picking leaves.  and tending to the family.  a long day.  that requires the sleep i’m not getting.  that i haven’t gotten for months.

but i just can’t stop thinking about i heard.

i remember it perfectly.  i can replay  the day in my mind like it’s happening all again.

i’d been in the field.  with my sisters.

like all the times before, we were laughing at something funny our brother had just said.  some story he was retelling.

i’d just bent down to work on another tree.  determined to pick the tea leaves off every last inch.  when my friend’s face appeared over the ridge.

the wind kept me from hearing her words.  but i could see she was excited.  she gestured for us to come up.  and quickly.

we had visitors at my house, she said.  foreign visitors.

i didn’t know what this meant.  i live in a tiny village.  the same one i’ve lived in my whole life.  the one my parents and their parents and their parent’s parents have lived in as well.

i’d never seen a foreigner.  until that day.

with my sisters in tow, i ran up the hill and all the way to my home.  paused to catch my breath.  and slowly made my way up the stairs.

i could hear talking.  in my people’s language.  in my country’s language.  and then something else.  some other tongue that i wasn’t familiar with.  and honestly didn’t quite care for.

i crept to the top of the landing and sat down.  tucked my legs up under me.  and listened.

before me sat my mom.  my dad.  and four strangers.  two men.  and two girls.  cross legged around our fire pit.  drinking our tea.  eating our candy.  smiling.  dressed in strange clothes.  and looking hot and sweaty.

i was fascinated.

the girls were beautiful.  light skin.  light hair.  like angel’s dust.

the men.  one older.  like my father.  one younger.  with incredibly long legs.  which he humorously tried to fold under him like a grasshopper.

i could tell they were all unaccustomed to sitting on the floor.  they fidgeted a lot.

soon my attention turned to the conversation.  the younger man was speaking in our country’s language.  telling us what the others were saying.  mostly asking questions about our life.  our people.  our home.  our tea.  our family.

and telling us about their’s.  they were from america, he said.  and wanted to learn about us.

at one point, they started asking us questions about our beliefs.  i heard my mom and my dad explain our religion to them.  explain that we are three things:  our belief.  our people.  and our tea.  you cannot undo the trio.

they were interested.  i could tell.  and asked a lot of questions.  i wondered why they didn’t know about this belief of ours.  it’s the only one i had ever heard of.  and it never crossed my mind that others hadn’t.

i turned my attention back to watching the girls.  imagining them as my friends.  wondering if they were married.  admiring their pretty hair.

but then i heard the question.  the one that has been keeping me awake.

they asked if we knew where we came from.  like, where do all people come from?  and the earth too.

the thing is, i’d been asking this question my whole life.  vocally, as a child.  and in my heart, as i’ve gotten older.  once, my grandfather told me some story about the earth and a dragon and the people that were born from them.  it was a wive’s tale.  a child’s story.

but the only explanation i’d been given.

after the question was asked, i glanced around nervously.  my brother and two of my sisters were sitting in doorways, listening to the conversation at our fire pit.

everyone looked blank.  i knew, as a people, we didn’t have an answer.  and i wondered how we would handle this.   my parents simply said they didn’t know.

our foreign guests asked if they could tell us what they believed.

as i sat there, crouched on the top step, my heart jumped.  something inside me told me i’d finally get an answer.  something that was true.

and what i heard was amazing.

that there is a God.  a God who created us.  loves us.  desires a relationship with us.  but we have done wrong.  separated ourselves from him.  but this God wants us back.  and he sent his son from heaven to earth.  to bring us back to our God.  so we could be in a relationship with Him again.

i’d never heard this before.  but now that i had.  it made sense.

perfect sense.

our belief told us to worship a man.  a man who was dead.  but they said we should worship a God.  who is still alive.

they told us more.  gave us a book.  and answered some questions.

i watched them from my window as they walked away.  i could see them laughing with each other.  see them meet up with more foreigners at the corner.  see them pass around their water bottle and wipe sweat from their faces.

see that they didn’t know they had changed my life forever.

because now.  even months later.  i can’t stop thinking about what they said.  and i can’t stop hoping that it’s true.

it’s no secret to anyone that i have eclectic tastes in just about everything.  i continue to baffle my roommate with the things i bring home (usually from the thrift store) to decorate my house.  not a thing matches.  and you probably couldn’t find any of it in a bed, bath and beyond catalog either.

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remember my favorite christmas gift?  the thread balls?  yeah, it’s those kind of things that make me happy.

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this need for a unique touch extends past my home decor and into my wardrobe.  you don’t have to spend too many days with me to know i love to mix it up with mismatched styles and funky jewelry.  forget the diamonds (unless it’s accompanied with a question and a promise) and give me snake skin hoops or beaded bracelets.

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you’ve gotta make a statement.  even if you don’t know exactly what that statement is.

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so, you can imagine my excitement when the treasure of a store was found in the airport of manaus.  i had searched the whole trip for what i thought was going to be a vain attempt to bring back the jungle flare.  mostly the shops of cruzeiro hocked world cup and havanara (flip flops) goods to tourists and locals alike.

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now, don’t get me wrong, i like a good futball jersey like the next girl.  and was feeling content with the fact that that was all i may go home with.  well, that and a box of chocolates.

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but what i had really wanted all along were these:

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and so the next time you see me around, i probably will not be sporting my soccer shirt.  but the chances are really good that you’ll see one of these beauties adorning my body.

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and the superficial side of me reigns another day.

because you can’t spend time in another county and not talk about the food.  and because my idea of a productive summer day is to go tan, take a three hour lunch, and make a video montage.  and also because i wanted to and i can.

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i bring you… eat it.

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thank you, weird al, for your moving lyrics.

it’s hard to feel beautiful when sweat is running down your back, your shorts are sticking to your thighs and your calves are covered with mosquito bites.

there are a lot of things that i cloak myself in.  that i put on.  that i use to make myself feel beautiful.

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i fix my hair.  apply makeup.  pick out clothes.  take showers and wear perfumes.  i adorn myself with jewelry.  and nail polish.  i surround myself with things and people that indulge my vanity.  facebook.  phone calls.  text messages.  family.  friends.  i partake in activities that show off my talents.  running.  cooking.  creating.

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i’ve arranged my world in such a way that i am, to the best of my abilities, shown in the best light.

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i like it like that.

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until it is all stripped away.

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i’m left with frizzy hair, sunburned face, frumpy t-shirts, red welted skin, and sweat soaked clothes.

and forced to find my beauty.

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i’ve been reading the book, captivating by john and stasi eldredge.  it was a gift to me on the last day of school and i’d read about half when i started the brasil trip.  and the rest as the trip progressed.

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perhaps i’ll write more on the teachings of this book later.  of the mysteries of a woman’s soul.  of her desire to be captivating.  to be a part of an adventure.  to be romanced.  to find God as the hero of her story.

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today, i’m thinking about beauty.  true, inner beauty.

i’ve been in the situation before when all i thought was beautiful was stripped away.  when the false security i created was torn down.  those times before, i’m sad to say, i retreated.  i pulled back.  i was embarrassed and insecure.  i didn’t want to be seen that way.  i was afraid i’d be judged, rejected, abandoned.

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i thought my beauty was gone and therefore so was my worth.

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i was wrong.

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this time, God’s been working on my heart.  gently pushing me to stop closing it off.  to allow my true beauty to shine forth.  to recognize that i have value as a woman.  as a friend.  as a helper.  as me.  when all my physical beauty is stripped away, my inner beauty is there.  shining forth.  brighter than ever before.

if i’ll let it.

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and when i do.  when i’m open.  and vulnerable.  and stripped of all that shields me.  when i’m me.

then i am truly captivating.

sweat poured down our backs. mosquitoes bit our ankles. the blinding sun scorched our bare arms.  the swirling dirt clung to our moist skin.  the smells of deet, sunscreen, sweat mingled in the air.

wilson could be heard in the distance, beckoning through his megaphone for all the children to come.  come to our vbs.  come hear about the savior, jesus christ. come meet the americans.  come.  come.

children poked their heads out windows and hid behind their mother’s legs.  some ignored the calls, intent on their ensuing soccer game.  others hurried toward us, welcoming an entertaining break in their bleak existence.

“aqui!  aqui!”  we gestured to ourselves and our group.  encouraging the little ones to join us.

“como e seu nome?”  we tried desperately to communicate with them, mixing what we knew of spanish and portugese with our native tongue.  somehow they understood.  somehow we conveyed our meaning.

our limited language skills could get us through hello, goodbye, thank you, what is your name and how old are you.  after that, we were at a loss.  this didn’t stop the kids from trying to speak with us.  from asking us questions.  from telling us stories.

with lots of gestures, facial expressions, and a few chosen words, we could figure out some of their general meaning.

they wanted to know where we were from.  if we were all brothers and sisters.  if any of us were married.  or had children.  how old we were.

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where our verbal communication left off, our body language picked up.  we couldn’t get enough of them.  they couldn’t get enough of us.  hugs, hand holding, arms around each other, kisses.  touch.  they were desperate for it. we were desperate to give it.

we sang songs and played games.  never has father abraham and the hokey pokey received such acclaim.  we laughed.  we loved.

we shared God.

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these children.  they had nothing.  we offered little.  a balloon.  a ball.  a piece of bubble gum.  a hug.  a kiss.  a smile.

to them, it was the world.

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us.  we have everything.  we gave them little.  we sacrificed time.  comfort.  finances.  nothing, really.

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to them, it was the world.

it’s a culture that places little value on children.  where young girls offer themselves to boys at the age of ten.  where young boys join gangs and start drugs at the age of twelve.  where they’ve seen murder.  suffered starvation.  where they have no hope.

we spent an hour. maybe two. we played with them.  we sang songs with them.  we shared skits and stories with them.  we gave them hugs.  we left them gifts.

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we showed them hope.  we showed them jesus.

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these times.  they will never forget.  these times.  we will never forget.

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“Jesus said, “let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” -matthew 19:14

the brazil team and i are sitting in the atlanta airport, ready to embark on the final leg of our journey. what an amazing adventure god has taken us on! it’s good to be back in the land of the english language. but we’re bringing with us memories to last a lifetime. as well as a few hundred mosquito bites, a stomach bug and bags full of hamocks and machetes. I look forward to sharing with you many pictures and stories. just as soon as i get good food, shower off the travel gunk and catch up on lost sleep. I love you friends!

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update: as of 12:05, i’m back in oklahoma city, eating mexican with the fam, passing out souveniors, sporting a fever and a lost voice, and now sitting on my couch, checking up on friends.

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i’ve got some recovery time ahead of me.  and some processing of lesson’s learned.  i look forward to the continued journey.

ethan and i walked into my parent’s house at 11:30 this evening, crying, “we’re home!  we made it back from brazil!  wait until you see all the presents we brought!”

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no, we’re not back from brazil.

after meeting the team, checking 22 bags, saying goodbyes, praying for safety and blessing, passing through security, eating what we thought was one final meal, sitting in groups, coloring pictures, playing cards, listening to troop’s alligator stories, and waiting for our departure time.  our flight was canceled.

you heard me.  canceled.

apparently, after some weather delays in atlanta, the pilot on the incoming flight exited the plane, walked down to the sonic, and fainted.

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if anything was to cause a flight cancellation, that would be it.

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we waited around for the final word.  when it came that there would be no flight leave OKC for atlanta any time soon, the team started calling rides to go home.

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the sponsors and the boys stuck it out, pacing the floors of the empty terminals.  i think there was a general feeling of disbelief and disappointment.  no one wanted to go home.  we wanted to go to brazil!

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as the airline worked to change our tickets, they initially told us that, short of a miracle, we would not leave OKC before sunday afternoon.

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they know now, we serve a God of miracles!

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at 10:30 pm.  three and a half hours after hearing the news of the cancellation.  we were told they could fly us out at 6:00 tomorrow morning.  we scrambled to make phone calls and arrangements to get all of the team back to the airport in a few short hours.

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we may never know why we’ve had this delay.  but we can know that our God is in charge of all things time.  his perfect will is at work.  and we can rest in that.

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speaking of rest, i must sleep.  for i’m to be at the airport again in four hours!  this time, hopefully, LEAVING for brazil!

alright, folks.  this is it.  my last post before brazil.  and i’m not even going to say anything!

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except, keep up with us here for pictures, updates, and prayer requests.  we’ll do our best to keep you informed.

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i love you!  and i’ll see you on the team blog or on the other side of brazil!

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i can’t wait to share my adventure!

two little words.

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two little words that just do not seem adequate.  do not express to the fullest.  do not completely convey how blessed i feel.  how grateful i am.

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when i made the decision to go to brazil, i knew that it would require me to raise a substantial amount of money.  i had no idea where it would come from.  how it would be provided.

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everyone told me that if God wanted me to go, he would provide a way.  he owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  all he had to do was sell one.

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let me tell you, there were days that my prayers were that that one cattle would be sold.  and sold quickly!

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how little my faith is.

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because of you.  your faithfulness.  your generosity.  your love.  your commitment.  your obedience.  your… i could go on and on.  i have been provided everything i need.

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and isn’t that the way it always goes?

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just in the nick of time.  God works it out.

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i know he does this on purpose.  i just know he waits patiently.  asks us to wait patiently.  so that when he does fulfill the need, all the glory goes to him.  what an awesome God!

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to you, my dear friends, thank you for letting yourself be used.  mightily.  your faithfulness continues to amaze me.  what a testimony of obedience to the father!

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and so, even thought these two little words seem insignificant.  please know that when i say them, my heart is full to overflowing.  knowing that i am so unworthy of God’s graciousness and the blessings he has heaped on through you.

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to keep updated, visit our team blog.

it’s official.  one week to brazil.  like, almost exactly.

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in seven days, you will find me at the oklahoma city airport.  checking in my 50 pound bag.  breaking open my travel snacks.  saying goodbye to my fam.  gathering up my team, like a mother hen.  making sure my passport and boarding passes have not been thrown in a mcdonald’s trashcan.  (you laugh.  this happened to a sibling of mine once.  i won’t mention her name *cough*holly*cough*).  and anxiously looking forward to our arrival overseas.

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i’m getting super excited.

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granted, there are still a few thousand things to take care of between now and then.  like buy jungle pants.  i’m not even sure what those are.  but by golly, i will have them!

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oh, and grade papers.  enter grades.  wash laundry.  finish character awards.  buy sunglasses.  find my contacts.  pack my suitcase.  clean out my classroom.  have sixth grade graduation.  give final tests.  clean out my car.  weed my garden.  lose ten pounds (ha.  just kidding.)  write thank you notes.  bake a cake.  create a team blog.  and sleep.

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i say i’m not worried.  i’m not stressed.  however, my body says my mouth is lying.  i’ve had a gnawing headache for days and my shoulders are as tense as a turkey on thanksgiving.

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but God is good.  and all things will come together.  for his honor.  and in his time.

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already, the team has been so blessed to have raised sufficient funds for every member.  through group fundraisers, bake sales, play/dinner tickets, fun lunches, and support letters.  it has been truly amazing to see all that God has provided.

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and just as he has provided the finances.  he will provide the time, strength, and enthusiasm to take care of all the remaining details.

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but you can help.  if you will.  pray for the remaining days.  the things mentioned above.  and the work that’s to be done.